One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in
an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by
teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated
by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains
between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple
tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount
Montezuma. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's
sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten
commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived
in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.
They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until
he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the
last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an
overdose of Wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a
coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no
wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When
they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for
very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who
would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded
his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew
boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems
and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing
on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the
church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, bing excommunicated by a bull. It was the
painter Donatello"s interest in the femal nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions
and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops,
they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only
because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's
famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloguy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince
Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same
time as Shakepear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing
about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this
was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the
hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heros were killed
along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people
died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels
through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs
were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a
loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself
cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the
United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln"s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin
which he built with his own hands. Wen Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength."
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes
citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negros and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented
law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called
Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and
later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the
theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of
Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came doen from the hills and nipped Mapoleon's flanks.
Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but
Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria
was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of
a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network
of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormisk raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse
invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ
of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the ArchDuck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.